Yesterday, a raving lunatic murdered an innocent woman despite knowing he could be sentenced to the death penalty for his crime. When asked whether he paused to think about the possibility of his own death before brutally killing his victim, the accused murderer eloquently replied, “Fuck a death penalty.”

In entertainment news, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer has dropped plans for a “Basic Instinct” sequel, and Sharon Stone is suing the producers. MGM chairman and CEO Alex Yemenidjian declined to explain why the project was cancelled (read: it was a dumb idea and we came to our freakin’ senses). Stone filed a lawsuit claiming the movie’s producers entered a verbal agreement guaranteeing her at least $14 million for her commitment to the sequel, even if it was never made (read: I can’t believe they came to their freakin’ senses).

Well, it’s about time that AOL/Time Warner decided to get out of the browser business once and for all. IE is far superior. As a matter of fact, this site looks like crap in Netscape, so cheers!

More and more things move online. Now you can create your own farts. Pick some options from the dropdown list, sit back, and enjoy you’re very own fart. The best part, you can email your farts to a “friend.”

The web is an exciting place. Yes indeed. Only the web can bring you things like the FunCalculator. It comes in a few flavors, like the orgasmic calculator, and the farting calculator. Turn up your speakers at work and enjoy!

A jury in Los Angeles on Wednesday ordered Philip Morris Inc. to pay more than $3 billion greenbacks to a 56-year-old man with cancer who claimed the tobacco giant did not warn him of the health risks of smoking.

Can I sue Ford motor company? They never told me that driving really fast into a tree would be bad for my health.

Jenna “Anhieser” Bush, as we all know, was caught at a bar trying to order drinks with a fake ID. Yeah, I’m a democrat, but all college kids do this — even kids of the president. In fact, I like republicans even more now. I used to think they were all uptight twats, but now I see there are a few good partiers among them.

Tom “Used to be Married to Nichole” Cruise has settled his $100 million libel suit against gay professional wrestler Kyle Bradford. Bradford made comments about a supposed gay love affair he had with Cruise. It doesn’t help Cruise’s claim that he’s not gay however, since he settled for a reach around.