Living in the fish-crazy South where people buy $100,000 boats to try and catch fish that are dumber than the water they swim in, I have seen all kinds of crazy stunts to entice a nibble from the fish. However, under no circumstances do I suggest anyone try using their junk as bait. Here’s what could happen: “TWO Papua New Guinea fishermen have bled to death after piranha-like river fish bit off their penises.”

I am imagining that this could crop up a whole cottage industry of urine-impregnated, penis-shaped fish lures. As a matter of fact, I have a prototype in the works and a plane ticket to Papua New Guinea already booked. By stating this on this website, I am creating a copyright to “Wang Bait” so that none of you pikers can steal my idea.

Props to Geeknik for the link.

A recent poll among avid moviegoers found that the Greatest Sports Movie of All Time isn’t Hoosiers, The Longest Yard, or even Raging Bull. It’s a film starring Rick Moranis and the man best known for his role as Al Bundy. It’s Little Giants. A blatant rip-off of the Bad News Bears? Yes. But still loved by millions. One fan said, “I laughed. I cried. I pooped my pants.” He then ran off for his next potty-training lesson followed by chopped-up hotdogs. So, watch out Rudy and Rocky. The Little Giants are going to “rip your filthy ears off.”

An appeals court in Chile ruled that former dictator and leader of the “Death Caravan” Augusto Pinochet is mentally unfit to stand trial. This means the 85-year-old Pinochet, who suffers from dementia, is unlikely to face trial on any of the 75 cases in which he’s named. According to government documents, more than 3,000 suspected leftists were killed or went missing during Pinochet’s 17-year reign. Jeez. And he seemed so nice on Perfect Strangers, doing that Myposian Dance of joy and all.

The White House has confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney is set to receive a Baboon heart transplant sometime next week.

“Cheney’s heart is pretty much mush at this point,” one staffer said. “We’re all hoping this new Baboon heart will invigorate the Presi, er, Vice President.”

While the first completely artificial heart was successfully implanted last week, the Vice President opted for a baboon heart instead. “It helps keep us in with the small but important baboon and zoo lobby groups,” Cheney said.

“Well, as you can imagine, Mookie Tookins is quite pissed about the whole thing,” said Phil Lee, spokesperson for the baboon, Mookie Tookins, who’s heart will be used for the operation.

“Mookie is kind baboon,” Lee continued, “he never harmed anyone, he just sits around, eats, and scratches his ass a lot.”

“That’s about all the Vice President does,” a White House spokesperson said. “We’re excited that the United States will have the first VP with an animal heart.”

“Mookie is still pissed,” Phill Lee added.