Remember when the Reagan administration was staunchly anti-abortion? Apparently, former first lady Nancy Reagan is pulling the old flip-flop maneuver. In a letter to President Bush, Mrs. Reagan appealed for a continuance of federal funding for stem cell research using … wait for it … human embryos!

Former President Ronald Reagan has Alzheimer’s disease, which is a degenerative condition that scientists think can be helped by treatments derived from stem cells. In her letter, Mrs. Reagan apparently wrote, “Who cares what we said 10 years ago. Ronnie knew my name back then. Now start chopping up some babies and find us a cure.”

Robert Downey Jr, crack addict actor, was sentenced to three years probabtion today as part of an agreement to keep him out of jail. He pleaded no contest, in which the plea is treated as a guilty plea, but where the suspect admits no wrongdoing.

Superior Court Judge Randall White said, “Mr. Downey, you have broken the law several times, and show no regard for your life or the lives of those around you. With that in mind, I’m going to be a complete ass and let you go free. Oh, you get three years probation, but you’re a rich actor, so what’s that to you?”

Downey remained silent with a blank expression through the proceedings. Though his lawyer did say, “Mr. Downey is clearly too famous to get any type of real punishment. He’s ready to spit in the face of reporters now.”

“Under Proposition 36,” the Judge continued, “that was passed by California voters, anyone famous is allowed to get away nearly scott-free of their crimes.”

“Thank you, Your Honor,” Downey finally said, “I’m going to go pork Ally McBeal now and snort some blow off her tits.”

“Also, Your Honor,” Downey’s lawyer added, “my client thinks he may have raped and killed Chandra Levy. But Mr. Downey is not sure because he was high at the time.”

“Really fucking high!” Downey said in a rare case of amusement.

“Thank you Mr. Downey,” Judge White replied. “I will inform the DC Police. Under California law Proposition 36, you will get a pet poodle for your admission. But if you toss it into oncoming traffic, you will be put in jail right away.”

“I understand, Your Honor,” Downey said, “can I get to McBeal’s tits now?”

BMW traveled to Los Angeles to show off its new fleet of hydrogen-burning cars, which cut tailpipe emissions by 99.5 percent and still allowed the car to reach speeds of 141 mph.

Why aren’t these babies in production? Apparently, there are concerns about the risk of explosions and fire when storing liquid hydrogen under high pressure. (Of course, gasoline never burns or explodes.) In addition, a lack of cheap and reliable hydrogen production methods has also hurt the marketing of such cars. (We should wait for hydrogen stations to popup before we make hydrogen-burning cars? Makes sense.)

And according to Bob Malone, a regional president of BP Corp, “Hydrogen cannot compete with gasoline on a cost basis … (but) we believe as usage increases, it can become competitive.” (What else is Bob going to say? He works for BP!)