I do this thing that my wife absolutely despises. And when that sweaty, clumsy act is over I often sing popular sings but make up my own expletive-ridden words for them as I go along. Now, I can continue this highly amusing habit while at the same time securing my place in one of God’s many mansions. Thanks to Nancy L. Mari, I can sing popular songs with new God-approved Christian lyrics.

I tried this out on the wife the other day and it went over worse than my anal sex-themed rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.” If you have some new lyrics for your favorite songs, send them in or post them to the comments section.

Attorney General John Ashcroft took part in an “Hour of Power” service Sunday at Rev. Robert H. Schuller Crystal Cathedral.

“This was not announced in advance because he was appearing in a non-official capacity in his private time,” a senior Justice spokesperson said.

I’m sorry, but this is a crock of shit. (Is crock of shit hyphenated? Like crock-of-shit?) When you attain a level of responsibility and visibility, there is no such thing as “private time.”

Did the Republicans let Clinton get away with his transgressions during his private time? Did the police let Robert Downey, Jr. get away with his whoring during his private time?

Yeah, you’re saying, “but whoring and taking drugs is against the law, and Clinton cheated on his wife.” I know you are, I can hear ya. But I’m saying, there is no such thing as private time when you are a politician or famous. Political officials leading religious services is inappropriate.

An Akron, Ohio man was recently sentenced to three years probation for forcing his children to win academic competitions. Thomas Lavery’s daughter told authorities that her father threatened to kill her after she placed second in the National Spelling Bee, and forced his kids to study for long periods without sleep or bathroom breaks. The 19-year-old slacker also claimed that failure to perform often resulted in punches and head butts. However, the ungrateful runt was unable to present any evidence of bruising or internal bleeding.

Yesterday I commented that CART offers the best racing in the world. Here’s your proof. It’s an .avi of the last lap of the Michigan 500, courtesy ABC Sports. Watch as 6 guys vie for the victory, and a driver that was a lap down help his team mate take the victory. You’ll never see an ending like that in NASCAR.

CART is so much more exciting in terms of racing. I don’t understand why it’s not as popular as some other leagues.

Do you ever get the feeling that China and the US are like two kids fighting over the tire swing at recess? Since China has just accused two US scholars of spying, I guess now we will have to find some Chinese person to accuse of something. It’s like a huge game of oneupmanship that affects billions of lives, yet goes on under the guise of serious “national security.”

Shouldn’t we just have a big group hug. All 300 million Americans and the 1.2 billion Chinese all hugging each other. It would be a Caligula-size orgy that would throw the Earth off its axis and send us all spinning into the Sun. Maybe on our way past Mars, we could find some of those missing robots. Damn deserting Bastards!