Though I had tons of Legos as a child, my mom never figured that what she called “just toys” could one day solve a Rubik’s cube.

Of course, this article gives no indication to its ability to actually procure a life for its creator.

I know that it seems Cosbysweater is running this site all by his little lonesome. And to be honest, for the last few days he has been. However, I return to you bearing one really neat gift. Please, ladies and gentlemen, point your favorite flavor of browser to this, the world’s greatest complaints department.

Pick a company to complain about, customize one of the pre-written letters or write one by yourself from scratch. Press a button and zip that letter away. Sit back and wait on your free coupons or at least mealy-mouthed, corporate apologies. It’s fast, easy, and quite effective. Read further to see how my interaction with Krispy Kreme went. My letter to Krispy Kreme:

August 29, 2001

TO:

Scott A Livengood, CEO

Krispy Kreme Doughnut Corporation

370 Knollwood

Suite 500

Winston-Salem, NC 27103

FROM:

Taranis

(address removed to protect the innocent)

taranis@spittingllamas.com

Dear Mr. Livengood,

I don’t ask much from a fast-food restaurant: just fresh food, a quick turnaround, and competent, friendly service. Sometimes, to my delight, the experience exceeds my expectations. I’m writing about such an experience with the food quality at one of your restaurants, located at Albany, GA.

I just want to say that your doughnuts are consistently the best food that ever crosses my lips. The sheer joy found in the hot, glazed doughnut is immeasurable and I thank all of the employees of Krispy Kreme for giving me that feeling 24 hours a day, 364 days a year.

Please pass along this compliment to everyone who should see it. And keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Taranis

taranis@spittingllamas.com

And now their response:

Thank you for your email. It is wonderful to hear about your recent Krispy

Kreme experience. We appreciate your enthusiasm for Krispy Kreme. I hope

that you will continue to enjoy Krispy Kreme products many more years to

come!

Thank you for your support!

Best regards,

Nicole Megginson

Krispy Kreme Customer Experience

I think it was a pretty good bit of communication overall. I am still awaiting any coupons that may come my way. And for the record, I do absolutely love Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Wondering what’s up with all the shark attacks? Well… nothing. There aren’t any more shark attacks this year over any other. In fact, there are less. It’s just our perception, spawned by the media, that suddenly sharks are waging war on the master species.

Statistics from the International Shark Attack File of the Florida Museum of Natural History, based at the University of Florida, show the global number of shark attacks is down this year, with 52 reported so far. But with each attack becoming national news, the perception is that sharks are on the offensive.

But it brings up a few questions. One, why do you think you are safe in the water? The ocean is not our domain. Welcome to darwinism asshole, and in the ocean we’re the weak species. Next, if you heard there was a shark attack around your parts of the beach, why the fuck you jumping in the water? Next, roughly 300 people die each year by elephant attacks (true), but we’re not lining up to kill these gentle beasts now are we?

With humans overfishing the waters, I’m not at all shocked that sharks are coming closer and closer to the shoreline. Human kill 100 million sharks a year, according to GreenPeace. If they snag 50 or so of us each year, I still think we have the good end of the deal.

Personally, I’d like to know why one of these attacks haven’t been filmed yet. If I lived on the beach, I’d have a line of tripods and around-the-clock webcams going, so those more land-locked humans can get in on the fun. Plus, I could make a buck or two.

Because I’m bored, here’s a wrap-up of the movies I’ve seen recently or thought about seeing.

American Pie 2 – If you expected anything other than high school humor, how about I get you a spoon …

The Fast and the Furious – If watching $100,000 cars burst into flames can’t make a movie entertaining, what can? Good thing it was at the dollar-fifty theatre.

Jay and Silent Bob – Obscure “Star Wars” jokes and continuous ridiculing of Hollywood. Works for me.

The Others – Nicole Kidman, a couple of kids that can’t be exposed to light, weird servants, and a large house in the woods. Strangely, it reminded me of a movie called …

Rush Hour 2 – Action-packed and funny, but there are so many racist jokes, that somebody ought to be marching somewhere.

Two Can Play That Game – I think Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens made this movie nine years ago. It was called Boomerang, and it sucked then, too.