To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President’s security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.

Pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

(a) Norwegians from Ballard;

(b) Elvis;

(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

(a) A pizza delivery boy;

(b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training;

(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in “Godfather2″;

(b) The Tooth Fairy;

(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train thing; or

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

(a) Mr. Rogers;

(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie’s women problems;

(c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: “Mustapha the Merciless;” or

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:

(a) Bugs Bunny,

(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to out do their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election;

(c) Mr. Bean; or

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

How’d you do? Did you detect a pattern that would indicate we’d better take a close look at a certain type of individual who might be boarding an airplane?

On my way to work and running errands, I was starving and this is what came to mind:

There is nothing in a convenience store that humans should actually consume, if they want to stay healthy.

Trust me on this on folks. I searched the store up and down for something even remotely healthy to eat. It’s impossible.

Our favorite rock star and man of much funky eyewear, Bono, is on the cover of Time this week. Overall, I think Bono will have 10 times the political impact of, say, Princess Diana who brought many a tough issue to the forefront.

Before you brush Bono off to the side as a rock star that thinks people want to hear his opinion because he’s famous (that would be Cher and Richard Gere), he does spend a good deal of time studying public policy and trying to mend the many sides.

But lately, there has just been something bugging me about him. And I think I can narrow it down to his jacket. Yes, his jacket. Every time I see him pull that jacket open and show off the American flag, my blood starts to boil.

Maybe I’m a traditionalist here, but I really don’t like it when people turn the flag into clothing. Ok, a shirt with an image of the flag on the front is ok, but Bono is practically wearing the flag as an undershirt here. He pulls his jacket open and the flag is hanging from his armpit. Every time I see that I want to unzip my pants and pull out the Irish flag.

Maybe I know one to many Vietnam vets like my father, who carried the flag into battle and got shot because they loved the Red, White and Blue. People have died for that 3 square yards of fabric and he lines his jacket with it. Daniel Pearl was just killed for many different reasons, one of them being he grew up under that Red, White and Blue.

So now Bono is on the cover of Time… with that jacket held open and the flag hanging out. In trying to speak for America’s rage over September 11, couldn’t he demonstrate a bit more respect for the one thing we can all rally behind?