Early this morning, Slidell, La. police used a 15-mile trail of donuts to close in on two crack-smoking car thieves.

The stoned Hansel and Gretel apparently swiped a Krispy Kreme truck from a convenience store parking lot while the deliveryman carried donuts inside. As the ravenous crackheads sped away, however, hundreds of delicious pastries spilled out the back door, leaving a trail of glazed glory that any self-respecting officer could follow.

A Slidell police department spokesman reportedly said, “The officers would have gotten there sooner, but they had to keep stopping for milk.”

The result of a long car ride:

Isn’t love the ultimate expression of the fear of being alone?

Overactive brain is a symptom of an hour-long commute.

Planning to get your drink on? Well, unless you’ve got a few extra dollars to blow, don’t do it in Hawaii or Connecticut. The Hawaiian Senate recently approved a 50 percent increase in the state liquor tax, and Connecticut plans to do the same.

But it doesn’t stop there. At least nine other revenue-strapped states have proposed “sin taxes” to help balance their budgets. Other states thinking about making it more expensive to get sloshed include Alaska, Kansas, Nebraska, New Mexico, Oregon, South Carolina and Tennessee.

Republicans in Connecticut have denounced the proposed tax, calling it an attack on Joe Six-Pack. In fact, Heineken Milwaukee-Busch went so far as to call it an assault on the American way of life. “There are men across this great nation who hate their jobs and detest their wives. And now, we’re threatening to take away the only thing that helps them go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning,” Milwaukee-Busch said.

“Drinking brings men together and, sometimes, it brings men together with women no one would want to get together with unless they’d been drinking. It’s the natural way of things,” the true original Milwaukee-Busch continued. “This tax is a blight on the American way of life and threatens to destroy the very fabric of our lives.”

True. True.

Scientist in India have found a cure for one of mankinds worst blights - farting. The Indian scientist blast guilty foodstuffs such as beans with gamma rays to knock out the chemicals that cause anal eruptions.

The Nature of the Fart

Bacteria in the large intestine are responsible for the gases that cause butt claps. When the bacteria ingest oligosaccharides from food, they produce a mixture of methane and smelly sulphurous gases, which cause men to act like boys and snicker in delight with each ass call.

On average, adults produce four to five litres of gas a day, and fart 14 times in any 24-hour time period. So yes, even though your wife and/or girlfriend won’t admit it, she is farting up a storm like the rest of us. Women can’t overpower statistics.

I do, however, find it ironic that Indian scientist found the cure for the common ass trumpet. If there is one food guilty of the ass horn, it’s Indian food. I’d bet as a country they export a good 40 billion metric tons of toot-O-rang.

Just as the weather begins to get warmer and nebulus plans fro beach trips harden into firm commitments, Mother Nature throws us a curveball. The mysterious black blob floating in the ocean off of south Florida certainly turns me away from the idea of a beach trip. With its “snotty” appearance and sewage-like color, nearly anyone could imagine how the brain-storming creators of “The Blob” got their ideas. Add in a little 50’s space creature mass paranoia and you’ve got a winner.

I remember as a child getting caught by one of the massive algal blooms while swimming in the warm waters of Florida’s Gulf Coast. It was frightening at first. I wondered if I would survive, but then I realized that the algae was giving me renewed vigor and vitality. Much like the movie “Cocoon,” my lifeforce was bouyed by that amorphous, crepuscular mass. The doldrums of my humdrum youth were washed away by a flood of excreted chemicals from what could called the algae’s anuses. I remember thinking how amazing it was that what was one creature’s waste could bring me so much joy.

And then the blob vanished, blown away by a chemical bath of algaecide being carelessly applied by the local members of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Surely, they did not know the miracle that the algae had given me. I screamed for them to stop, but the only lifted me out of the life-affirming bloom and tossed me into the boat like some undersized marlin. That’s when I began to hate the government.

So, please folks, before labeling the “mysterious” black blob a threat to society or to wildlife, think about me, a hairless 10-year-old freak whose life was saved by the loving caresses of the blob. Thanks to the blob, I am now covered by a socially acceptable amount of hair and my teeth are no longer made of oozing gelatin. Remember that.

51-year-old Charles D. Franklin, resident of Tallahassee, FL, was arrested yesterday when he was identified as Loser of the Week.

Around 7:30 p.m. last evening, neighbors called police after watching Franklin drive his truck through the front of an Islamic Mosque. He escaped by breaking out the back window of the truck. After this daring capper, Franklin walked, bleeding, to his favorite bar and proclaimed his crime like a badge of honor. Police arrested Franklin a short time later and plan on charging him with hate crimes.

Because of this action, Charles D. Franklin of Tallahasee, FL, wins our award for Loser of the Week.

But I do know Jack Schitt. Really, I do.

David Hassellhoff to play role of Bat Boy in new TV movie:

Rumor has it that the movie is being produced by Project Gastro of Penguin Warp fame.

For a large animated gif of Hasselhoff morphing into Batboy, click here(3mb).

Men have many unspoken rules among them. Like, only turn down a free beer if you are at a funeral. But there is one guy rule that stands king among all others - the condo stall.

Simply put, the condo stall is the big stall at the end. There is always one condo stall in a guy’s bathroom. Technically, it’s the handicap-equipped stall but guys refer to it for what it is, the condo stall. It’s larger, offers more elbowroom, plenty of room to open up a newspaper and the toilet paper dispenser isn’t jabbing into your ribs like the other stalls.

Guy rule: always always always use the condo stall. Avoid the other smaller stalls like the plague. If the condo stall is taken, leave and come back. Unless you’re in severe pain. But if you can’t handle some cramping then what kind of guy are you anyway?

The last time I was partaking in the condo stall I had a random thought: why not make them all condo stalls? Why only make one condo stall and the others all smaller? Space reasons? I don’t think so.

It’s not more efficient to make smaller stalls and one condo stall. No guys use the smaller stalls anyway, so technically they are a complete waste of space. If you had fewer stalls that were all condo sized, guys would use all of them thus making better use of space.

The other night while cosbysweater and I were dining at our local Red Robin burger joint, I told him about my theory of the condo stall. He related a story.

Cosbysweater was performing his business at a urinal when a guy entered the bathroom and didn’t go to the condo stall, even though it was vacant. I know, you’re thinking, what kind of pansy is this? Doesn’t he know the guy rule about the condo stall??

Cosbysweater was in a very awkward situation. Should he tell the guy to do the guy thing and go to the condo stall? But if so, he’d violate to other guy bathroom rule - never talk while in the bathroom. What a dilemma. Maybe the wrong-stall guy just wasn’t aware of the rule? Maybe his manhood was not yet complete.

And who designs bathrooms anyway? I’m going to assume that not all architects who have designed a men’s bathroom are actually women. That being the case, they should know the rules! Why are they putting the rest of us guys into those situations? Aren’t they on the team?

So I put forth this to the world’s architects: design all stalls to be condo stalls. Don’t leave your brethren in the uncomfortable situation Cosbysweater was just in a scant few days ago. I hearby call for condo stalls for all!

You know of other man rules? Do share for all so no man will be caught unawares.

Actress Pamela Anderson announced Wednesday she has hepatitis C. She contracted the serious liver disease from sharing a tattoo needle with her ex-husband, rock musician Tommy Lee.

Hepatitis is a viral disease that attacks the liver.

Type A: A vaccine is available, and personal hygiene and sanitation can reduce the risk of exposure.

Type B: More serious. Can cause lifelong infection, cirrhosis (scarring) of the liver, liver cancer, liver failure, and death. A vaccine is available.

Type C: Can be serious, but some patients have no symptoms at all. Usually a lifelong infection. Spread by sexual contact or blood contact. No vaccine available.

Pam Anderson also claims that Lee knew he had the disease but never disclosed it during their marriage. No word yet one if her current husband, Kid Rock, is infected. The disease can lead to serious, permanent liver damage and in many cases, death. 3 to 4 people out of 10 who receive treatment do get rid of the virus.