I think I remember in a previous life, that a war started like this. Name-calling and crude jokes and the next thing you know missiles are flying. So what if Jay Leno said that a Korean skater ate his dog. As far as I know, and I believe that the Koreans I was friends with in high school would not have lied to me, the Koreans do eat dogs. So, Leno’s sad attempt at humor was less of a joke at the Korean skater’s expense and more a trite piece of reportage. Who’s to say the guy didn’t go back to Korea, walk in house and sit down to a meal where Lady and the Tramp don’t eat the spaghetti but they are the spaghetti.

As I said before, I think wars have been fought over less. Perhaps, this is the first strike in a covert war being waged by the newly outed *cue X-files music* “shadow government.” Of course, I think what makes this a “shadow government” is less about how secret it is or isn’t (see link above, available to anyone with eyes) and more about the troubles in lighting underground bunkers. The angles are weird, the ceilings are low and electrical power is at a premium. When I first heard this, I thought, “Who has the power in Washington? Bush or the ’shadow government’?” Then I realized that it doesn’t matter. Our country is really run by a bunch of whining imbeciles locked in the closet of some Indiana double-wide. They spend their days being sprinkled with gorgonzola cheese and chirping about the issues the hothouse mother gives them to think through. Meanwhile, back in our bunker outside DC, morale is down and even a festive addition such as these clocks can’t compete with the dour governmental design.

I’m sure it’s time to call in the experts at Trading Spaces to help solve the shadowy nature of our government’s not-so-secret secondary bunker-bound brothers. I’m sure that spunky Genevieve could blow some life into these guys with her creative, over-the-top designs. If Genevieve can’t do it, maybe one of you could, if only you knew which cast member to masquerade as.

Now that the “shadow government’s” problems are solved and Leno is patching up the war he nearly started, we are left to wonder, “What else does life have to offer us?” Helper monkeys, friends, it’s all about the helper monkeys.