Today, a few treats from the great thinker himself, Albert Einstein.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

I don’t know how man will fight World War 3, but I do know how they will fight World War 4 - with sticks and stones.

Three fights. Five has-beens. And one faux celebrity. Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing” was trash television at its finest.

9:03 - The audience from “The Jerry Springer Show” arrived.

9:15 - In the first match, former “Brady Bunch” star Barry Williams fought Danny Bonaduce, of “Partridge Family” and talk show circuit fame. Bonaduce, going by the nom de plume “Boom Boom” and looking like he’d actually prepared for this farce, quickly destroyed the sloth-like Williams. Afterwards, Williams apparently received a special post-fight massage from Florence Henderson.

9:23 - Beer break. Me. Not the fighters.

9:30 - In the second bout, Rob “Bi-polar” Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice, pitted his funky dance moves against Todd “Mad Dog” Bridges. Early in the first round, Bridges knocked down his opponent, prompting Van Winkle to say, “What ‘chu hittin’ fo, Willis?” Later in the second, the two began flailing like little girls, prompting announcer Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini to say, “He should throw his purse at ‘em next time.” Verbal jabs complete and crack smoked, the fight ended with Bridges scoring a unanimous decision. 9:45 - The main event featured Michael Buffer saying, “Let’s get ready to rummmmble” and Tonya Harding taking on Paula Jones, who was there only because Amy Fisher’s parole officer wouldn’t let her fight. (Really.) The announcers let the audience know that Harding was “the only world-class athlete in this event,” but that Jones was apparently one of at least three sluts participating.

Jones came out quickly, landing a couple of jabs, but then got pounded the rest of the fight before quitting in the third round. However, to remind people that she “don’t need no stinking lead pipe,” Harding punched Jones in the back of the head as Jones walked to the corner. A true class act all the way.

10:00 - Fox aired its newest special: “When Short Child Actors Attack: featuring Gary Coleman and Emanuel Lewis.”