Scientist in India have found a cure for one of mankinds worst blights - farting. The Indian scientist blast guilty foodstuffs such as beans with gamma rays to knock out the chemicals that cause anal eruptions.

The Nature of the Fart

Bacteria in the large intestine are responsible for the gases that cause butt claps. When the bacteria ingest oligosaccharides from food, they produce a mixture of methane and smelly sulphurous gases, which cause men to act like boys and snicker in delight with each ass call.

On average, adults produce four to five litres of gas a day, and fart 14 times in any 24-hour time period. So yes, even though your wife and/or girlfriend won’t admit it, she is farting up a storm like the rest of us. Women can’t overpower statistics.

I do, however, find it ironic that Indian scientist found the cure for the common ass trumpet. If there is one food guilty of the ass horn, it’s Indian food. I’d bet as a country they export a good 40 billion metric tons of toot-O-rang.

Just as the weather begins to get warmer and nebulus plans fro beach trips harden into firm commitments, Mother Nature throws us a curveball. The mysterious black blob floating in the ocean off of south Florida certainly turns me away from the idea of a beach trip. With its “snotty” appearance and sewage-like color, nearly anyone could imagine how the brain-storming creators of “The Blob” got their ideas. Add in a little 50’s space creature mass paranoia and you’ve got a winner.

I remember as a child getting caught by one of the massive algal blooms while swimming in the warm waters of Florida’s Gulf Coast. It was frightening at first. I wondered if I would survive, but then I realized that the algae was giving me renewed vigor and vitality. Much like the movie “Cocoon,” my lifeforce was bouyed by that amorphous, crepuscular mass. The doldrums of my humdrum youth were washed away by a flood of excreted chemicals from what could called the algae’s anuses. I remember thinking how amazing it was that what was one creature’s waste could bring me so much joy.

And then the blob vanished, blown away by a chemical bath of algaecide being carelessly applied by the local members of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Surely, they did not know the miracle that the algae had given me. I screamed for them to stop, but the only lifted me out of the life-affirming bloom and tossed me into the boat like some undersized marlin. That’s when I began to hate the government.

So, please folks, before labeling the “mysterious” black blob a threat to society or to wildlife, think about me, a hairless 10-year-old freak whose life was saved by the loving caresses of the blob. Thanks to the blob, I am now covered by a socially acceptable amount of hair and my teeth are no longer made of oozing gelatin. Remember that.