May is Personal History Awareness Month. Take the next 31 days to perceive and comprehend your history as a person. Celebrate your lifetime of loserdom. Honor your loser ancestors and the wretched genes of failure they handed down.

For if you don’t know your past, you can’t know your future. And you, Mr. Befuddled Icon of Ineptitude, should be aware that the future holds years of excruciating social flagellation. Have a good one.