The question on everyone’s mind is, “Who is Kelli Carpenter’s baby daddy?” (Well, maybe it wasn’t on your mind, but it is now, so there.) As you may, or may not, know, Carpenter is the girlfriend of Rosie O’Donnell. And after appearing on “The Today Show” and joking that Ozzy Osbourne is the father of her child, people have begun speculating as to the father’s true identity.

I have the answer. Is it David Crosby? No. Is it Steve Bing? Nope. It’s me. Cosbysweater. Why? Because I am an amazing specimen of manliness and sheer hunkitude. And because I am also Rosie’s long lost brother, which means she will not only be the child’s mother, but she’ll also be its aunt.

But why did I come out today, you ask. Because I can’t allow my child to spend its entire lifetime hearing this annoying phrase, “Who’s your daddy?”