Scientists have found a way to control rats via remote control. By implanting electrodes in rats’ brains they can be commanded to turn left or right, and do other things like climbing trees.

Five rats were fitted with electrodes and power-pack backpacks. When signaled by a laptop computer, the electrodes stimulated the rodents’ brains and cued them to scurry in the desired direction, then rewarded them by stimulating a pleasure center in the brain.

Little did scientist know this type of behavior manipulation has already been perfected. Corporate America has been doing this with employees for years, minus the pleasure stimulation.

May is Personal History Awareness Month. Take the next 31 days to perceive and comprehend your history as a person. Celebrate your lifetime of loserdom. Honor your loser ancestors and the wretched genes of failure they handed down.

For if you don’t know your past, you can’t know your future. And you, Mr. Befuddled Icon of Ineptitude, should be aware that the future holds years of excruciating social flagellation. Have a good one.