Yesterday as I was reading the paper and waiting to enjoy dinner at my girlfriend’s parents’ house, I came across yet another example of irresponsible reporting dripping from the anus of AP. Some reporter, and I use that word lightly, took the phrases “I am God” and “word is bond” from John Allen Muhammad’s sniper letter and proceeded to link the guy to an African-American group called the Five Percenters, as well as rappers Busta Rhymes and the Wu-Tang Clan.
Five Percenters believe the black man was the first man formed in the image of God and that this makes the black man a God as well. (This, of course, is a concept that is as old as mankind. Some argue it’s this very idea that resulted in Adam’s downfall.) Whatever your opinion of the Five Percenters and their beliefs, the fact that Muhammad used the phrase “I am God” does not make him a member of this organization.
How many books and movies are there in which a character thinks he or she is God? Yet the Associated Press does not write an article saying Muhammad is possibly a member of the “Red Dragon” fan club. Just a few months ago in Brentwood, NH, a man on trial for robbery said, “I’m God.” Oddly, the AP didn’t connect this robbery suspect with Muhammad. Why?
Maybe it’s because the robbery suspect didn’t also use the phrase “word is bond”. Surely, this phrase is not uttered outside the intimate circles of the Five Percenters. It’s not at all possible that this is merely the shortening of “my word is my bond”. Thus, Muhammad has to be connected to the Five Percenters, as does anyone else that uses said phrase.
My mother always says, “my word is my bond”. She must be a Five Percenter. She must also listen to Busta Rhymes and the Wu-Tang Clan. And, in turn, she must somehow be connected to Muhammad’s killing spree. Imagine my shock at this revelation.
The fact that my mother has been saying, “my word is my bond” since long before the Five Percenters were established doesn’t matter. The fact that my mother couldn’t pick Busta Rhymes and the Wu-Tang Clan out of a lineup that included only Busta Rhymes and the Wu-Tang Clan doesn’t matter. Also irrelevant is the fact that early Americans used this very phrase as collateral when they had nothing but their word to offer. And never mind the fact that membership applicants to the Vietnam Veterans of Ventura County, Inc. sign a document using these very words. My mother said, “my word is my bond”. Someone tell AP to crap out a news article connecting her to the sniper.
Sadly, there will likely never be another article covering this matter because some editor will see it and realize how ludicrous it really is. Unfortunately, there are thousands of people who have already read the AP article and connected Muhammad with radical black Muslims, rap music, the Denver Broncos secondary, and problems with the rainforest. I’ll just have to spend my time fuming and hoping that an AP reporter will someday create a connection between Charlton Heston, Puff Daddy, and Jabberjaw that results in an underwater rap video for the new hit “From my cold dead hand”.