I was treated this afternoon with a nonstop airing of Paul McCartney’s new live CD. When I say treated, I mean physically abused in the ears. Since when does this washed up old man get along by playing sad semi-modernized covers of Beatles tunes? It seems that the Baby Boomers are so nostalgic for their lost youth that they will listen to any old vomit just to regain that sense that their lives still have meaning. While Paul caterwauls away on a funkified Sgt. Pepper, dried up SUV tank commanders scream like porn stars in the audience.

It was almost depressing hearing an audience sing-a-long of Hey Jude that went on 6 minutes too long. McCartney’s ability to entertain died along with the last animal he ate. The maharishi magic has been soaked back up by the Cosmos and handed over to someone a little less…British.

So, what does this have to do with world events? Why is this on the front page?

Simply put, music like this can help us win the pending war in Iraq. If we play this pig excrement at full volume as our helicopters fly into Baghdad a la Apocalypse Now, the people of Iraq will overthrow Saddam just to get Sir Paul lanced. If I was already shivering in my boots, up to my elbows in camel shit behind some sanddune, that screaming “blackbird” would be the end of me. I’d put down my rusty AK-47 and cry for Allah to send the 1.37 virgins to take me to Valhalla, or whatever.

I’m serious. You remember Panama. Take that level of psychological torture and kick it up a notch Emeril-style. We could load the guns with blanks and just make a lot of noise. Those mustachioed sumbitches would be paying us to surrender.

OR

We just subject Bush to it and take over the country while he stews in a Navy-run crazyhouse. That might be the better idea.