Which organization consists of a little more than 500 employees and has the
following statistics?:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. They did it all in the name of researching and testing the Nation’s laws.

Zell Miller is pissed off. The Georgia Senator is ordering CBS to cancel its new reality show. Based on “The Beverly Hillbillies,” this new show plans to move a country family to a posh neighborhood.

CBS knows “the only minority left in this country that you can make fun of and demean and humiliate … are hillbillies in particular and rural people in general,” said Miller.

Besides, how funny could it be? I say move a rich family to the hood or a trailer park. That would be true fish-out-of-water comedy. Who doesn’t want to see a snotty rich dude pee his silk jammies when he turns on the lights and sees a roach circus in the kitchen?

When pop culture and kid’s TV meet 2 Live Crew-style rap, this happens. Who knew the Smurfs were up to no good inside those mushroom houses?

Feb 23 marked the return of CART, now being branded as the Champ Car World Series. The name CART was to confusing, but there was nothing confusing about the excitment or the prediction that we are going to see a season like no other. In the Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (geesh what a long name) we have the makings for one of the best seasons in a long, long time.

Last year many people were measuring CART’s tombstone, predicting the series was about to die. In Sunday’s race there was a display of exciting driving that hasn’t been seen for a long time. Close wheel-to-wheel racing, tight passing, drama in the pits and plenty of NASCAR style hot-chicks-in-the-crowd shots.

One thing that is going to add a lot of exciting, and plenty of things for the sports media to report on, is the new inter-team rivaly between Sebastien Bourdais and Bruno Junqueira. It’s going to be better than F1’s Juan Montoya and Ralf Schumacher. Mostly because Montoya can pass Ralf Schumacher on a bicycle. Junqueira and Bourdais are both great drivers and we are bound to see some rim slapping fun betwixt the two.

Now, it wouldn’t be a good sports column if the ole Jetteva didn’t make some predictions.

Season Champ:
I think it will come down to a fight between two people this year, Bruno Junqueira and Paul Tracy. While I think that Sebastien Bourdais will show some true genius and put forth some stunning races, ultimately his inexperience will keep him from being a contenter to the end. We saw a rookie mistake take him out of the action at Sunday’s race at St. Pete’s. Paul and Bruno will sock it out till all season with Bruno coming out on top. And when Bruno wins the 1 million, I hope he calls Chip Ganassi and tells him to suck his european wang.

The Stars will Shine:
I think we are going to see some real good performances this year out of some drivers that are ready to prove they have the goods. I’ve already mentioned Sebastien Bourdais above. I expect to see Patrick Carpentier win a race and I predict Michel Jourdain Jr will win two.

Cowboys:
Mario Haberfeld is going to piss a lot of people off with his crash-you-into-the-wall style blocking. I expect to see him get a handfull of black flags and cause half a dozen wreaks by season’s end. He is going to be this years Townsend Bell.

Should be Watching:
Roberto Moreno will prove this season that he should have retired 5 seasons ago. In his 20 year racing career he’s won only twice. Even mediocre drivers manage to pull one out from time to time. Moreno even fails to have a good race, let alone a chance to win. I think he’ll prove once again that he has a seat someone else deserves more. How about Memo Gidley? Max Papis? Either would have been better for that team than Moreno. Unless Gidley and Papis are too expensive. I can’t imagine Moreno cost more than minimun wage at this point.

The Lights:
Two races this year will be at night, under the lights. One of them my favorite- Cleveland. Cleveland under the lights will be a display I can’t wait to see. I’m only 2 hours away from Cleveland… hummmmm….. maybe Cos and I should road trip…

The Rookies:
Nine rookies start the year. Plain and simple, it’s the best rookie line up any sport has seen. Put any of these nine in the IRL and they’d spank everyone. Add the rookies together into this diverse field, and we are going to see a season to remember.

I don’t wanna say, “I told you so,” but “I told you so.” The lawyers whose case against McDonald’s was dismissed last month are back. This time they’ve amended their complaint to accuse the fast food giant of making misleading nutritional claims.

Attorney Samuel Hirsch complains that McDonald’s uses “deceptive practices in the advertising, processing and sale of foods, including Chicken McNuggets, Filet-O-Fish, Chicken Sandwich, french fries and hamburgers.”

Hirsch has asked for class-action status on behalf of “hundreds of thousands of New York state residents under the age of 18″ who suffer health problems from chowing on McDonald’s grub.

I’m back. From the artificial luster, loose morality and rampant tourism that is Las Vegas. City of Lights and Sin. Full of gambling, buffets and cheap liquor.

From historical hotels and plush new accommodations to strolling preachers and wretched homeless, Vegas is a lot like that microcosm Taranis mentioned the other day. It’s a city as spectacular and miserable as it appears in pictures and television shows. And it’s this very lifestyle clutter that makes Vegas so appealing.

So despite the immigrants who hawk ‘escort’ literature on every corner, backed up boulevard traffic and failed actresses dancing badly in stage shows, I can’t wait to go back. Besides, where else can a guy see pirate, water, strip and magic shows on the same three-mile stretch? Place your bets, boys and girls.

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost; saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - Lost. France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - Loss. France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English Colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein. ” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by Allied forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina (Aka Vietnam for you non-history buffs) - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - Loss. France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

1998 - France wins the World Cup while no one else is looking. This doesn’t count as a military victory but is included to show that victory is possible.

Strangely, the three folks here at Spitting Llamas are this week a veritable microscosm of life in the U.S. For whatever reason, we have become a living commentary on the state of the union.

Cosbysweater is out in Las Vegas sowing some wild oats. He’s been living the high roller lifestyle amidst splendor and bared breasts. The opulence of his surroundings is matched only by the hedonistic pleasures hidden in every corner of that fabulous city. His trip represents all that is good and right with America.

Jetteva is starting his new job today, after being laid off. His employment drama is indicative of our economy’s sad state of affairs. Like many in this country, he is struggling against the undertow of inflationary prices amidst war fears. Job security is not only nonexistent, but seemingly not even something that employers strive for any more. With consumer spending hitting all-time lows, mortgage rates and other interest rates falling steadily, what can be done to keep folks like Jetteva from bouncing job to job?

While those two langour at the extremes of the American experience, I sit entrenched in middle class warfare. A fairly steady, but unfulfilling, and underpaying job bouys my purchase-oriented lifestyle just enough. Meanwhile, I am doubling my depression medication and fretting over the lack of spirituality in my life. I suppose I am the epitome of the middle class warrior who is trampled under the foot of the upper crust, but keeps the service class alive with unbounded spending.

We are not always in these roles. We probably move from day to day, but we are here and now a rather pure example of what Bush would seem to think is an OK state of the union.

Yes folks, we here at Spitting Llamas are biding our time 27 floors below sea-level in our duck-tape hardened bunker. We’ve had little contact with the outside world. In fact, if this message reaches you, you can thank the wonder of Crackers, our carrier weasel.

If you fear the repercussions of Threat Level Orange, like we do, you can follow Paul West’s lead by wrapping your entire house in plastic destroying the property value for miles. Or, you can join us down here in the bunker, where it’s all shaken and not stirred. Sure, we’re safe in a bunker hidden beneath a cleverly disguised defunct drive-in, but that doesn’t mean that we think the Office of Homeland Security know what the hell they are doing. Doesn’t the threat of terrorism have almost as much disruptive effect as an actual act of terrorism? If I’m the terrorists, I’m making threats every week, until that “Cry Wolf” syndrome sets into the general populace. Then I strike.

Actually, it seems to me that with assclowns like Paul West wrapping their entire houses in plastic and our nation’s capital looking like some Bruce Willis action movie come to life, the terrorists have already won Hell, we let them postpone the Emmys, they took the WTC out of Spiderman and now Paul West house looks like the dick of some overly cautious teenager getting laid for the first time. Now, we have to swerve around missile trucks on our daily commute and if you take a loud enough dump in an airplane toilet, they are liable to eject you for a bomb scare.

As we were drinking our powdered coffee and enjoying some reconstituted eggs this morning, the local mayor come on the handcrank-powered radio and was talking about how a terrorist attack would be a local event, so the people of our town shouldn’t really worry so much. In other words, those poor bastards in DC not only have to dodge bullets in Georgetown, but now they have to worry about getting gassed, while we in the hinterlands go about our business and mourn the losses.

It probably wasn’t a great political move, but it keeps the local Family Dollar from running out of toilet paper. Speaking of TP, here in the bunker we are fully stocked. You can only drink so much Ovaltine before your colon gives up. So, until next time, I sit on my throne filling out the bunker pool on when the war will start and wondering of Eazy Cheeze is truly digestible.

I’m not convinced that oil is the problem. I’m pretty sure we could fly over the Middle East and drop bags of money and they’d still want to kill us for blocking the view.

-Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert