I just love them Spittin’ Llamas.

I’m a g33k. I often boil down the gist of my day into clearly defined segments. That’s what geeks do. We try to define things by mathematical equations. That also gives us a certain perspective on life shared by no one else &ndash binary thinking. Because we like things in binary, we tend to bring that logic out into the “real” world. It’s yes or no, a one or a zero, it works or it doesn’t. This allows us to cut through the gray of life very quickly.

For example, in high school I was going to meet a date at a party. After an hour I pretty much realized she wasn’t showing up. When I talked to her on the phone the next day, she had a length of excuses that, in her mind, made it OK for her to leave me hanging. Not where I live, sister. She didn’t show up where we agreed we would - end of story.

All these years later, I view things in very much the same way. I don’t over analyze too much. Recently, my wife and I were going to go out with a few friends. They agreed to meet us at our house. While we were getting ready, my wife says, “Gee, do you think we should have met them somewhere in the middle? You think they are going out of their way?”

I don’t care. They agreed to come to our house, if it was too far out of the way, they should have said something. In binary, that’s a 1. It’s not a 1 that might be a zero later, or a 1 that should have been a zero because 1 didn’t speak up.

And it’s an odd perspective since I’m in the field of marketing — where we try to blend lines as much as possible.

But this perspective on life is valuable. So much so I think everyone needs a little dose of it to help straighten out their lives. This type of linear thinking I call logic.

For example, I was recently forwarded an email that ended with this message:

If you forward to 11 people a video comes on your screen. This works. I don’t know how…but it works. This is the coolest thing I’ve ever gotten! All you have to do is send it to 11 people and this little video comes up on your screen and shows the funniest clip. I can’t tell you what it is, but I couldn’t stop laughing so hard I was crying! So spend a few seconds to send this and you’ll be glad you did!

We’ve all gotten spammed. But for some reason when they end with things like this, people forward them along faster then a joint at a frat party.

For some reason, when claims are made under the patina of technology, people tend to believe them more.

I recall when my brother got his first PC two years ago. He called me to tell me about the Budweiser Frogs virus (yes, it’s still making its way around the Web). I was afraid that if I told him the truth of such things, I’d make him feel bad, so I opted to let him learn it on his own. I was just happy he was finally coming into the computer age.

But even if you are unfamiliar with the way things work, couldn’t a little binary thinking helped clear it up. Take the message above. When you read the line, “I can’t tell you what it is, but I couldn’t stop laughing so hard I was crying”, that should tip you off. If it was so funny, how’s come you can’t tell me what it is? Were you laughing so hard you shook the memory right out of your brain? Then you were laughing and couldn’t remember why?

That wackiness has us turned every which way. Similar to that old Gallagher joke, why do people park in driveways, but drive on parkways? Because we don’t have enough binary thinking, that’s why.

One area that had my binary mind aflutter is the war, of course. See for me, there are either weapons of mass destruction or their aren’t. It’s hard for me to support a war against an enemy that might have them, or might have them one day. I don’t think Saddam is a good guy by any means, but my scientific mind asks for more than a theory when it comes to such things. Especially when the theory comes from a guy that’s proud of his “C” average in college.

One area that has recently taken the brunt of my binary thinking is my hair. It’s a pain. It’s one more thing I have to keep clean. If it were up to me, and my wife wouldn’t kick me out, I’d shave my head clean. It’d be easy enough, too. I have to shave my face anyhow, so I could just keep going right on around.

I’ve noticed how many hundreds of hair care products we are assaulted with on a daily basis. One morning in the shower I read the back label of the conditioner bottle. Yeah, I read it. Stop laughing. I wondered why I needed to use that stuff, just beyond, “because I’m suppose to.”

According to this bottle, I need to use their conditioner because my hair is under a lot of stress and this wonderful concoction of natural herbs will help me have healthy hair.

Let me get this straight. The economy is in the can, we’re at war, I still have to get my taxes done, and it’s my hair that’s under stress?

My wife likes to buy Herbal Essence by Clairol. According to the TV commericals for this product, they call it an organic experience for your hair. It’s very sexually suggestive in the manner in which they film these commercials. According to Clairol, my hair is getting laid more than I am.

I care so little about my hair that I cut it myself. I have one of those trimmers with 400 attachments. I use two of them. One inch on top and half-inch on sides. Every month. Done. And it looks exactly the same as when I used to make an appointment and pay $30 at some salon. And I don’t have to look up into the armpit of the lady while she’s washing my hair in that curved little toilet bowl they use.

I’ll never have hip hair, but I’m ok with that. Just look at that lady. She has hip hair, but does she look happy? It looks like someone is forcing her to have her picture taken by holding her head in place. I don’t want that. I’m ok with boring, non-hip hair.

You can apply this binary thinking to things like dieting, too. I remember when my cousin was complaining about how she was having trouble loosing weight. Her comment was, “I’ve been buying the low fat brownies and I still can’t loose weight.” How about not buying any brownies period and buy more lettuce? See, binary thinking.

It’s the same logic I use when I hear the pontification about reporters dying in Iraq and how they were “only doing their jobs.” Yes, they were only doing their jobs… in a fucking war zone. And they got shot? You don’t say?