Okay, I’ll say it. Their relationship is the stuff that shit is made of. It’s cute like bloody diarrhea on a bed of rice. Who in their right mind would want to support these two asshats in their attempt to take over Hollywood? First, we have to endure “Gigli” with the” Come on, gobble, gobble” line that Robert Blackwelder of Spliced Wire calls “the most embarrassing, imprudent attempt at cleverly sexy dialogue the history of cinema.” Not to mention that Affleck has half-assed his way through every role since Good Will Hunting where he was basically playing himself.

It’s great that these two assholes can make sucking sounds to one another, but I for one don’t want to have to pay $7.50 to experience it. The best we can hope for is that they will give each other e.coli and die of chronic explosive butt pee. What makes me so angry? Well, this ulcer I got, and the fact that B.Lo are planning to remake Casablanca. Yes, that’s right, these two walking sacks of suck are going to just piss on one of the greatest American films ever made.

Together they can suck all the romance and life out of the script. Affleck will be so fucking goofy that you want Sam to crack the piano up into a million pieces with Affleck’s torn off limbs instead of playing it again. J.Lo’s “normal girl” routine is going to turn Bergman’s classy elegance into some back alley bullshit from the block. The people who have their money behind this movie should be sterilized with sharpened twigs so as not to contaminate the gene pool any further.

Like the creature from the Black Lagoon, Affleck and J.Lo have created new life in the cesspool of Hollywood. They are crawling out of the ooze and trying to infect the planet with their sugary, lovey-dovey “we’re cute because we’re famous” shtick. I, for one, won’t stand for it. I demand that Matt Damon punch Ben Affleck square in the balls to wake him up. As for J.Lo, I think I hear P.Diddy calling, he wants to give you your Herpes back. Just tie them both up and send them to a desert island so they can be happy on somebody else’s fucking dime.

Sorry, it was me. I farted.

It’s very difficult keeping up with Mideast news due to the Orwellian newspeak coming from Washington. So here’s a handy list of key terms, translated into simple English.

Liberation - Invasion.

Coalition - The U.S. and British invaders, plus some troops from rent-a-nations like Romania and Poland. In the past, “the coalition” would have been called imperial forces and mercenary auxiliaries.

Dictator - A ruler you don’t like, or who does not cooperate.

Statesman - A cooperative dictator.

Stability - when things go the way Uncle Sam likes, ie., the status quo.

Instability - when things don’t go the way Unc Sam wants, ie., when trouble-makers try to change the status quo.

Iraq reconstruction - a process whereby big firms that contribute to the president’s re-election campaign obtain contracts to rebuild the damage caused by U.S. bombing.

Freeing Iraq’s oil assets - Washington’s seizure and sale of Iraqi oil, which in no way can be compared to Cuba’s seizure and sale of U.S.-owned property, a dastardly crime.

Mideast democracy - regimes that hold rigged elections and obey Washington’s orders.

Free trade - pouring goods and services into the newly “liberated” country, and buying up its key industrial assets at fire-sale prices.

Terrorism - violent acts by dangerous fanatics and malcontents who refuse to accept the downtrodden status assigned to them by Washington.

Anti-terrorism - State terrorism.

Uranium - a yellowish mineral from Niger that causes red faces in the White House.

Iraq Administrator - A pro-consul or gaulieter, disguised as a minor suburban bureaucrat.

Drones of death - Iraqi remotely piloted aircraft that the White House claimed were poised to fly off Iraqi ships lurking in the North Atlantic and shower fiendish germs on a sleeping America - which turn out to be two model airplanes, only one of which could fly. See “vans of death.”

Vans of death - Claimed by Washington to be Iraqi mobile germ warfare laboratories, but turn out, on inspection, to be British-supplied trucks for inflating weather balloons.

Weapons of Mass Destruction - Nasty weapons, existing or non-existing, that the other side has. When your side has them, they become invisible.

Torture - a foul act committed by your enemies. When your side does it, it’s called intensive interrogation in Guantanamo.

Homeland security - bolting the barn door after the horse has escaped by rounding up Muslims and denying them due process of law.

French - Insubordinate ingrates and depraved chain-smokers who had the nerve to try to block the jolly little war in Iraq, and now sneer, “we told you so.”

Germans - Untrustworthy. Just when you order them to be warlike again, they go soft. Wait until they see the next dozen WWII epics from Hollywood.

Canadians - A bunch of pot-smoking, pinko, wimp nancy boys who marry their best friends and refuse to obey orders from the Great White Father in Washington.

Islam - An evil faith that promotes violence and hatred, as proven by the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, who learned about the agents of the devil while encountering them in motel rooms.

Fox News - The Ministry of Truth.

Al-Jazeera News - All the bad news we don’t want to hear. See Fox News.

Die-hards and Saddam loyalists - Any Iraqis opposing the invasion of their country.

Traitors and friends of Saddam - Journalists who questioned the Bush Administration’s lurid claims over Iraq’s purported threat.

Moderate - A Mideastern ruler who toes the line and makes nice to Israel.

Peacekeepers - Troops from browbeaten or bribed vassal states sent to perform garrison duty in U.S.-occupied
nations that the Pentagon wants to avoid, or lacks the troops to perform.

New Iraqi government - An august body that leaps to its feet when a U.S. soldier enters the room, and has total authority over garbage collection and sewers.

Saddam Hussein - A former close American ally who got too big for his britches. If not assassinated, may soon be needed again to run Iraq for Washington.

Uday and Qusay - Yes, Saddam’s boys were big-time delinquents, but Crazy Uday’s biggest mistake was probably making fun of George W. Bush in his newspaper, calling the prez a draft-dodging wimp. Perhaps that’s why he and Qusay got the multi, anti-tank missile treatment - Texas justice - rather than a nice show trial in Baghdad.

Eye-Raq - A democracy-seeking Arab state that volunteered for mentoring and tutelage from Washington
in exchange for helping out American drivers of SUV’s.

While dressing for work this morning, I was yet again sidetracked by the morning news. This time, the litany of talking heads were discussing how the United States (or coalition forces) could prove to Iraq that Uday and Qusay Hussein are dead.

There are apparently thousands of Iraqis who remain unconvinced that the Hussein brothers bit the proverbial bullet. Yet, thousands more Iraqi people are protesting near the house where the brothers Hussein were blown to bits. Clearly, these people aren’t communicating, and the United States needs to set the record straight by proving Iraq’s good old boys are dead.

We can’t show photos of the bodies because that would set a dangerous precedent as to how photos of our slain soldiers might be handled in the future. But we can’t sit by and do nothing because that would encourage Hussein supporters to keep acting a fool up in Baghdad.

The solution, and a bit of justice, might lie with a couple of abused teenagers. If you read “Time” a few months back, you know one of the Hussein brothers basically stole at least two pre-teen girls and made them his sex slaves. Surely, their families and neighbors all know the veracity of the girls’ story, and the culprit’s face is certainly burned into each child’s emotionally troubled mind. Who better to bear witness to Hussein’s body on a platter?

The girls get to see this bastard dead, which I’m sure they’ve dreamed about, the Iraqi people get to hear the truth from two of their own who have absolutely no reason to lie, and the U.S. doesn’t have to host a dead man on a tray slide show. Everybody goes home happy. Sort of.

I am just about sick and tired of this Jessica Lynch tripe. Just what America doesn’t need is to rally around some more sentimentally bogus bullshit like we did after the WTC terror attacks. Look where all that sympathizing and empathizing got us. The economy is gone to shit, we are faced with hostilities involving our troops directly in at least 4 areas of the world. The only country on our side is a country whose authoritarian rule we had to crush only 220 years ago. “We’re in a tight spot.”

Soldiers are getting killed daily in Iraq, though the “major hostilities are over.” But here we sit, barraged with words and images about a soldier who did her job, albeit mistakenly, and is being proclaimed a hero. Let’s not forget that all of her squad-mates died because they took a wrong turn. They died in a stupid way, in a stupid war. In fact, that’s how people die in wars. The majority don’t die charging the gun turrets of the Remagen Bridge, they die when their Jeep flips from taking a corner too fast. They die from the stray bullet fired in desperation from the other side of the lines. That’s what makes war hell.

So let’s not drown Jessica in our slathering drool chattering about how heroic she was. I’m glad she made it back. I am sorry that she lost her friends and comrades. But what I am most sorry about is that her simple life will be destroyed because of all this false attention. She will become some beacon of morality and hope in a time and a war that is bereft of neither. I wish Jessica Lynch the fastest recovery and the best future, but, I feel strongly that she is no hero, but simply someone who did her job to the best of her ability as she took an oath to do. Let’s reserve the hero worship for those that truly deserve it, not those the media tells us deserve it. That’s pretty inflammatory talk up there. Not much respect for the soldiers defending my right to say what I said. I realize that, and I also realize that it’s not Jessica’s fault. She’s a simple girl caught up in a world that will chew her up and spit her out just to rub two nickels together. It’s not fair, but we the consumers are the ones making it happen. Those of us who buy newspapers, watch cable news programs, and even visit news websites. All of that desire for information creates a an environment in which well-meaning people like Jessica Lynch and I are put at loggerheads over our status in this socio-corporate milieu.

The other side of the coin is that while Jessica becomes a figurehead of sorts, the very fact of all this attention on her will deprive some well-deserved young soldier from having his story told. His actions, heroic or not, will left in the sands of Iraq and the desert of his psyche with little support structure and even less sympathy when he returns. He’ll stand in the crowd somewhere hearing Jessica stumble through a speech. He’ll be thinking that given 100 days he could have thought of something a little more profound than Jessica’s desperate plea turned rally cry, “I am an American soldier.”

In the end, they will both fade away and turn to the passions and desires that ruled their lives before someone decided they needed to kill or be killed. Sure, Jessica’s story will crop up from time to time and kids and grandkids will dig out the newspaper clippings and Internet printouts, but what they won’t have is the true, focused story of war that the unsung soldier has. Their experience will be candy-coated while on the other side of town as he turns the office lights out, Iraq will come flooding back to the unknown soldier. At home later, he’ll tell his son the story of the first time he knew he was going to die.

That has always been the strength of this country. America’s ability to persevere, to absorb injury, and to adapt to circumstance makes its people not only strong and powerful, but at times, caring and compassionate. So, perhaps there should be a little more of that in this story. Jessica Lynch knows that. That’s why she consistently turns her interviews into stories about her squad-mates. Never forgetting the lost loved one is the truly heroic act, and in that light, perhaps Jessica Lynch really is a hero despite the paradoxical attempts by the media to change that.

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving the country in uniform are profound. I normally wouldn’t say anything bad about September 11 or the victims, but the numbers involved say something really disturbing about the entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family member in the September 11 attack you’re going to get an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee of $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct death benefit - half of which is taxable - followed by $1,750 for burial costs. The surviving spouse gets $833 a month until they remarry. And there’s a payment of $211 per month for each child under 18. When the child hits 18, those payments stop.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining that it’s not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but at some level I wonder if they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. The WTC already had one terrorist attack, so it’s not like it was a target that surprised anyone. Soldiers put themselves in harms way for everyone, and they and their families know the dangers.

Recently families of the victims from the Oklahoma City bombing have started an organization asking for the same deal that the September 11 families are getting.

This is the result of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this country. Every time a pay raise comes up for the military they usually receive next to nothing of a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle East while their families have to survive on money none of us would agree to live on.

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves another raise, and many of you don’t know that they only have to be in Congress one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per month. That’s why politicians are rich, because they vote themselves millionaires.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month while the very people who put them in harm’s way receive $15,000 per month. I think politicians should do one of two things. One, be ready to serve in a war zone, or be wiling to live on the wages of the typical military family. That’s also my argument for fixing Medicare - the worst medical insurance system in the industrialized world. Put congress on it. When Medicare becomes the insurance policy of all elected officials, it will quickly become the best heath care system in the world.

Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years. Our Senators and Congressmen do not pay into Social Security. Many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan. In more recent years, no congressperson has felt the need to change it. For all practical purposes their plan works like this:

When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die, except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments. For example, former Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000 with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the last years of their lives. This is calculated on an average life span for each.

Their cost for this excellent plan is $00.00. These little perks they voted for themselves is free to them. Taxpayers and the 64% of the population that decides not to vote pay for this plan.

Social Security is headed for a crisis by the year 2024. In and of itself, Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made. And that change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us and then watch how fast they would fix it.

Sure, the year’s only halfway over but I can guarantee that this Flash “experiment/art installation” is the coolest and most interesting Flash “thing” you will see this year. Reminds me of the kinds of things pStech used to send me in AIM many eons ago. Enjoy!

Big ups to BigBoxes who spied me the link.

Well, those crazy Japanese are at it again. This is actually one of the most creative videos I have seen in a long time. Enjoy!

Matrix Pong (3mb WMV file)

They really do a great job, not only of mimicing the Matrix but also of letting the limitation of the medium of execution stretch their creative use of space instead of limiting it. It’s also interesting that a really “new” medium such as the special effects used in the Matrix are affecting this very physical and theatrical expression.

It’s sensationalism at its greatest, folks. It has all the makings of a TV story of the week, a multi-million dollar lawsuit, and an eventual interview with Barbara Wah Wah. It has a baseball player. A bat. And a giant sausage.

I’m talking about Pittsburgh first baseman Randall Simon and the Milwaukee Brewers sausage mascots that he thumped on the head.

Here is the set up: during the Milwaukee vs Pittsburgh game, inbetwixt the 6th and 7th inning, several people dressed as various sausage products raced around the field. While running by the dugout, Simon hit the Italian sausage in the head with a baseball bat. It was clearly a joke. But the sausage, and the 19-year-old therein, fell down and scraped her knees.

The sheriff’s department then places Simon under arrest for assault. But I’m not hopping mad over the incident. I’m hopping mad over the media coverage. If you listen to CNN, ESPN, or read Yahoo! News, they will tell you Simon attacked the mascot. They are nearly trying to convince you Simon downed the sausage George Washington and the cherry tree style.

In fact, when I first read this, I thought Randall Simon was as bad as one of those other coke-snorting, wife-beating baseball players. So I jumped over to Feedroom.com to watch the video and… well, I laughed.

This is no attack, as the news media wants you to think. In fact, both teams should be thanking Simon and giving him a raise because this is the first time in months anyone has talked about another team besides the Yankees.

I’d like to see Simon go banzai on some news camera next.