Okay, I’ll say it. Their relationship is the stuff that shit is made of. It’s cute like bloody diarrhea on a bed of rice. Who in their right mind would want to support these two asshats in their attempt to take over Hollywood? First, we have to endure “Gigli” with the” Come on, gobble, gobble” line that Robert Blackwelder of Spliced Wire calls “the most embarrassing, imprudent attempt at cleverly sexy dialogue the history of cinema.” Not to mention that Affleck has half-assed his way through every role since Good Will Hunting where he was basically playing himself.

It’s great that these two assholes can make sucking sounds to one another, but I for one don’t want to have to pay $7.50 to experience it. The best we can hope for is that they will give each other e.coli and die of chronic explosive butt pee. What makes me so angry? Well, this ulcer I got, and the fact that B.Lo are planning to remake Casablanca. Yes, that’s right, these two walking sacks of suck are going to just piss on one of the greatest American films ever made.

Together they can suck all the romance and life out of the script. Affleck will be so fucking goofy that you want Sam to crack the piano up into a million pieces with Affleck’s torn off limbs instead of playing it again. J.Lo’s “normal girl” routine is going to turn Bergman’s classy elegance into some back alley bullshit from the block. The people who have their money behind this movie should be sterilized with sharpened twigs so as not to contaminate the gene pool any further.

Like the creature from the Black Lagoon, Affleck and J.Lo have created new life in the cesspool of Hollywood. They are crawling out of the ooze and trying to infect the planet with their sugary, lovey-dovey “we’re cute because we’re famous” shtick. I, for one, won’t stand for it. I demand that Matt Damon punch Ben Affleck square in the balls to wake him up. As for J.Lo, I think I hear P.Diddy calling, he wants to give you your Herpes back. Just tie them both up and send them to a desert island so they can be happy on somebody else’s fucking dime.