I am signed up for “Breaking News” email updates from ABC News and CNN. This morning ABC News learned of a nugget they felt was important enough to inform those that wish to be well-informed, as I like to be.

Did a bomb go off in Israel? Were more troops killed in Iraq? Did Palestinian parliament speaker Ahmed Qorei become the next Prime Minister? Did we catch Osama?

No.

“Woman Says J.Lo Will Marry At the Same Hotel as Her Daughter.”

Thank you ABC News! I can go about my fucking day now knowing that I have not missed a beat in today’s important headlines and that I am a well-informed person in the very important affairs of a fat-assed, over-rated “actress” and her gay fiancé.

I hope you blessed all your TV watching audience by having Penis Jennings break into Jerry Springer to deliver this important message.