Broken News
September 10th, 2003 8:27 am

I am signed up for “Breaking News” email updates from ABC News and CNN. This morning ABC News learned of a nugget they felt was important enough to inform those that wish to be well-informed, as I like to be.

Did a bomb go off in Israel? Were more troops killed in Iraq? Did Palestinian parliament speaker Ahmed Qorei become the next Prime Minister? Did we catch Osama?

No.

“Woman Says J.Lo Will Marry At the Same Hotel as Her Daughter.”

Thank you ABC News! I can go about my fucking day now knowing that I have not missed a beat in today’s important headlines and that I am a well-informed person in the very important affairs of a fat-assed, over-rated “actress” and her gay fiancé.

I hope you blessed all your TV watching audience by having Penis Jennings break into Jerry Springer to deliver this important message.

Posted in Personal Musings by Mark
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PenisJennings
September 10th, 2003 12:43 pm

This just in … scientists have discovered that Jennifer Lopez does not possess a single ounce of talent. Fortunately, she may be able to get by for a few more years by gradually exposing more and more of her now famous assets.

Cosbysweater
September 10th, 2003 5:14 pm

Looks like Jetteva will soon be getting another email alert about Bennifer. Seems the two of mediocre talent have decided to call off their wedding nuptials because too many details had leaked.

I must say that I’m amazed that anyone actually still cares. Maybe, they could have the wedding in London. I hear David Blaine has a bit of space in his suspended aquarium.

akasha
September 12th, 2003 1:44 pm

You’re not going to believe this but on Good Day LA on KTTV/FOX 11, in honour of Sept. 11, as one of the hosts (Steve Edwards) was soberly attempting to empathize with those whose wedding anniversaries fell on the tragic date, one of the other hosts (Dorothy Lucey) cut in saying something like, “…oh, speaking of weddings, you will be distressed to learn that Jennifer and Ben have postponed their wedding!” Oh the sadness of it all! How will I move on with my day?! Who cares about normal, everyday people who will no longer feel happiness on their wedding anniversaries! Let’s hear more about Bennifer and their sick-to-my-stomach non-existent just-for-the-publicity trillion-dollar wedding. (gag!) Dorothy Lucey should be gagged and hog-tied. What an bleeping idiot. Her distressed voice just about made me want to hurl.

Cosbysweater
September 16th, 2003 11:12 am

Apparently, folks in In J.Lo’s old Bronx neighborhood think the mediocre actress/singer should spend some time figuring out what’s going on in her own head.

Said Eufemio Rodriguez, 35, as he left Mass at Holy Family Catholic Church, which is J.Lo’s old church, “She’s got too many issues. If you go through five men in a period of four years, you got problems.”