Dear Congress,
Lately you seemed to have turned part of your attention toward the Bowl Championship System, or BCS. Yes, it seems to be very subjective in a nature and a system the rewards the giant universities while leaving little hope for the smaller colleges.

We know this is something you understand as you often favor big donors while us little people are left behind. But that is for another letter. We, the SpittingLlamas, would like to let you know that we have come up with a plan to fix the BCS that not only makes it more logical, but could make it much more profitable for Universities everywhere. Let’s remember, college athletics funds so many programs that us non-athletic students that were required to use our brains and study could take advantage of.

In short, you can pay attention to the war and we’ll fix this BCS thing for you. After all, there are kids the same age as these college athletes in Iraq coming home in bags right now. So let us, big fans of NCAA football, propose a solution.

The way the BCS works now is confusing and so arguably fluid and subjective that no one is satisfied with the results. The BCS rankings average the two main Top 25 polls - The Associated Press media poll and the USA Today/ESPN coaches poll. After that, they implement another factor averaging the seven highest computer rankings by Richard Billinglsey, Kenneth Massey, David Rothman, Jeff Sagarin’s USA Today, Matthews/Scripps-Howard, The Anderson & Hester/Seattle Times, Peter Wolfe and Atlanta Journal-Constitution rankings. The lowest and highest computer rankings will be disregarded, and the computer component will be determined by averaging the six other computer rankings.

If that wasn’t confusing enough, they introduce a large does of subjectivity with something called, “Rank of Schedule Strength.” This is one team’s schedule compared to other Division I-A teams of actual games played divided by 25. This component is calculated by determining the cumulative won/loss records of the team’s opponent (66.6 percent) and the cumulative won/loss records of the teams’ opponents opponents (33.3 percent). Huh?

Then, they toss in something even more nebulous. They have a “Quality Wins” rating. The quality win component rewards to varying degrees teams that defeat opponents ranked among the top 10 in the weekly standings.

Then, and this is the part you congressmen have focused on, they only allow 6 conferences to participate - ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac-10 and SEC. You claim it’s anti-competitive to exclude other conferences, as there could be great teams there, and ultimately hurts their recruiting efforts. And I haven’t even gotten to the “At-Large” factor.

As you wise sages on Capital Hill have noted, this system is too fluid and subjective to amount to a serious, scientific ranking. It’s about as subjective as those no-bid contracts given to Haliburton, but again, that’s for another letter. After you read this and bask in its clarity and logic, you may want to thank us by instituting a new national holiday in our name.

We call our new system the LBS - the Llama Bowl System, or Long Blowjobs, Shizz?

It uses the playoff method, similar to the NCAA basketball, but incorporates the best of the current college football system, namely the fat, rich sponsors that make the world go ’round.

There are currently 56 bowl games. Our LBS institutes a playoff system that automatically puts the top 64 teams in a bracket and begins a weekly elimination. At week two, 32 teams play in the next level of bowls, then 16… you get the idea.

Each game would be referred to as a “bowl game,” thus creating the opportunity to keep the sponsors on board and the greenbacks flowing toward the colleges. The first bracket, the 64 teams, would be the lesser-known bowls, like the Bukkakie Bowl, The Motor City Bowl, and the Enron Check Your 401k at the Door Bowl.

The next set of brackets after the first round of eliminations has bowls that are more prestigious. Bowls like the Insight Bowl, the Outback Bowl, and the Florida Voting Bowl (of course, this bowl will be fixed and African-American’s won’t be allowed to buy a ticket much like the 2000 voting practices of Florida.)

At each level the cost of sponsorship goes up. You could find a bidding war going on for the top 4 bowls. A final four could be marketed, helping the 4 final teams in recruiting efforts rather than just the single championship team. With this playoff system, you go from the current 56-bowl line up to a 125-bowl set up. That is thousands of more sponsors! A million more tickets sold! HOLY SHIT, talk about a boost to the economy!

One complaint may be that this would lengthen the season. Good. We should be all for it. NCAA fans will go to these bowl games. Currently the last NCAA football game in November 29, yet the majority of bowls game are not played until the first week of January. Let’s keep these special gifts receiving, THC-steroid using kids playing through the month of December. The Final Four games could all be played on Christmas Day when we are all surrounded by extended family we’d rather not talk to and find ourselves bored. Then the National Championship game will still be held on January 1st.

So there you are, Congress. It’s laid out for you like a third world country ready to be bombed. You just have to say it’s so. Feel free to jam a new highway project or something in there for your district, too. We won’t tell anyone.

You friends,
The SpittingLlamas