Every year, some well-meaning columnist reminds us of the holidays’ true meaning, and wishes the consuming public all the best despite their wayward approach. Well, guess what? I ain’t that guy.

I’m the guy who says, “The next knucklehead that uses ‘Turkey Day’ as a synonym for Thanksgiving should lose everything he has.” From his job to the universal remote he makes his kid get because he’s too freakin’ lazy to walk his sloppy ass across the room to retrieve it.

Clearly, Mr. Turkey Day has no gratitude for what he has and is solely focused on what the majority of Americans guzzle down that particular day. So, screw him. Maybe when he’s living in a box, fighting Smelly Sal for the spot nearest the flaming barrel, and standing in line for runny stuffing at the homeless shelter, he’ll remember just how good he had it and think he should’ve given more thanks.