I heard rumors. I heard secrets. Then it was revealed and I heard booing.

Apple released their iPod Mini at the MacWorld conference. I was eagerly anticipating this as I really don’t need 40gb or even 15gb of tunes with me at all times. I don’t need to be able to have a soundtrack for every passing minute like some damn John Hughes flick. I just want something to play through my lunch hour or during my 30-minute commute. A few tunes to block out the monotony of the modern existence.

So, I was pumped, not Ahh-nold pumped, but pumped, about the smaller and presumably cheaper iPod Mini. Not to mention that I figured some software and design enhancements would be in order. Why then would I be disappointed when the rainbow of diminutive deliciousness was revealed? The price, for one.

The 4gb iPod Mini is priced at $249.99. That’s absolutely ridiculous when the 15gb original iPod is only $299.99. Only the Apple nuts are going to buy this thing. Well, them and the hipsters with a trust fund.

Then I saw that they come in all sorts of “deck” new shades straight out of The Gap’s catalog. So, I say concentrate less on the colors and let’s bring the price down some. Tell those overpaid gadget geeks in the back to figure out how to drop a Benjamin off the price instead of testing the pearlescent finish.

Thirdly, they changed the buttons, again. They’re changing the damned thing more often than Estelle Getty’s underwear at an Olestra convention. Leave well enough alone you horrible, freakish shut-ins. Tell Jobs to shove it up his ass.

Lastly, iPod Mini is such a terrbile name. Because in six months they’ll make a smaller one andwhat will it be called? Nano? The idiots at Apple want everything to sound huggable and friendly and they insist on that “i” shit. How presumptuous is it to think that and package of software would encompass my entire “iLife?” Well, it is for Mac fans, so maybe the shoe fits.

There was so much promise after OS X came out, but everything released since then has sucked the hind teat. The other big announcements at MacWorld (Xserve G5 and GarageBand) seem very cool, but that’s overshadowed by the “anal leakage” that is the iPod Mini.