My dog is a whiny bitch. So, here I am at 4:30 in the morning with these ideas running through my head. I figure I better share this wisdom with the rest of the world.

Why is everyone so keen on living longer? You’ve got people who insist on eating 6 meals during the day instead of three. They eat low carb/high protein diets and workout 6 times a week. They don’t drink any soft drinks; take water only. All this so that they can be healthier and live longer.

Sure, they may not so that it’s to prolong their life. They probably proclaim that they want to feel healthy and have more energy now and that a longer life is just a fringe benefit. I don’t know about you but thinking so much about what I eat and drink would cause me so much anxiety that I would die from worry. Plus, who the hell has the time to do all that bullshit.

You might feel healthier and have more energy, but you are too busy working out and planning meals, not to mention going to your job, that you don’t have time to enjoy your new-found Greek god status. In the end, they want to leave longer and we all know that’s the truth.

What’s wrong with that you ask? Well, my theory is that you shouldn’t worry about eating that KFC 2-piece and a biscuit and shaving a year of your life. The reason is that you are shaving off the bad years. You are actually making your overall life better. You are getting rid of those years at the end of your life where you can’t fuck, can’t drink, can’t remember, and some poorly paid nursing home worker is wiping your ass twice a day. Who wants those years?

I say, keep those years, I want to enjoy the 60 or so I figure I have in any damn way I please. Everyone knows that those last 20 or so are just spent watching your friends and family die. Oh yeah, as a nice little bonus, you don’t have to work any more during those years either. So, you get to sit around your empty house trying to recall the glory years.

Some of you may complain that I have a dim view of being elderly. Yeah, it’s because being elderly is shit. Everyone panders to you like a child. No one thinks that you are capable of doing anything. So, even if you end up being a strapping healthy 87-year-old like my grandfather-in-law, who can still drive and do lots of fun things, your family treats you like an infant and calls to check up on you every hour. I’m sure he’s thinking that they are counting down the days until they get to split the inheritance.

He’s not only an exception to my rule, but also an example of how even when it’s good and you stay healthy for a long time, it can still really suck during those later years. You never hear any of these preople who reach their centennial say, “I ate 6 meals a day, avoided cholesterol and fatty foods. I drink very little and never smoked.” It’s a crap game, folks, and sometimes you roll snake eyes and sometimes you don’t.

So drink up and clean your plate, Old Man Death is coming and you want to be in prime fighting shape when he shows up.