In an apparent attempt to prove Tom Cruise is not the only celebrity with a chemical imbalance, Mariah Carey has called her 2001 film Glitter “ahead of its time.” Anyone who’s seen even five minutes of this movie knows that it will be hundreds of years before another film comes close to such levels of sheer suckitude and pukessence. Ahead of its time indeed. And don’t get her started on how 9/11 ensured her film made less than 20 percent of what it cost to make.

Proving that stupidity doesn’t end with singers trying to downplay their movie failures, Republican Senator Rick Santorum has decided to compare abortion to slavery. In a new book, Santorum writes, “This was tried once before in America. But unlike abortion today, in most states even the slaveholder did not have the unlimited right to kill his slave.” Apparently, the holder of both an M.B.A. and J.D. was unable to find a history book during his writing. Because if he had found one, he would’ve learned that slaves were considered property and not people, so the only punishment for the killing of a slave, if, of course, it wasn’t your own, was based on destruction of property. If you owned the slave, however, you were free to do anything you wanted.

As if there wasn’t enough craziness already, the original “Crazy Cooter” from television’s “Dukes of Hazzard” is telling fans of the show to stay away from the movie. His advice comes not because the film is bound to make the recent “Starsky & Hutch” movie look like “The Godfather” or because the original itself wasn’t all that good but because, according to Cooter, the sex and profanity make a mockery of the series. Roscoe P. Coltrane, Enis and Flash, however, think it’s an early Oscar contender.