“We want your business, but we don’t care if you ever learn how to use your phone.”

I am a new Verizon-ite, making the switch from Nextel. Is it just me, or is picking a cell phone provider boil down to what types of problems you can live with.

For example, Nextel’s coverage in my area was horrible. With my wife’s Cingular’s plan, roaming fees started at the end of my driveway. Verizon has great coverage in my area and no roaming fee, but the manual for the phone barely covers how to turn it on.

I purchased a middle-of-the-road phone. Nothing special, but it has a few nice features. I just wish I knew how to use them. Verizon must assume you can figure it out on your own.

I just use my phone as a phone. I don’t use it for as a camera (I have a camera), an MP3 player (I have an iPod), to stream videos (broadband connection on my laptop), or to check the weather (I look out my window).

But to get a phone with Bluetooth (to use a Jabra headset), I had to buy a bucket of features I’ll never use or need. Why can’t a phone just be a phone?

Or if they could just be honest about what they are selling. My phone supposedly has mobile web. Except that it doesn’t. I was told that it does when I purchased it, but when I tried to use it it’s not there. They call it VCast, and it’s not true mobile web, which I expected to mean I could have true access to the web on my mobile phone. How naive I am.

A 62-year-old woman delivered her 12th child on Friday. She gave birth to a healthy 6-pound, 9-ounce baby boy, becoming one of the oldest women in the world to successfully bear a child.

But my question is…

…who in the world could pork that 12-times?!

Ecto is a small software app to easily update blogs. Are there others that are powerful and easy to use?

Ecto can be found here.

Is Apple about to release a new Video iPod? Or is this just someone’s wish?

I’m talking about this iPod.

It appears to have a screen that covers the entire front, and the wheel is part of a touch-screen system.

It’s a cool concept, real or not. Just when I was about to drop a few bucks on one, it’ll be obsolete before I open the box.

I’m lucky. The company copy/fax/printer/scanner/pedicure machine sits right outside my office. Most days it’s a pain in the ass.

People are always walking in front of my office and many of them feel compelled to say something to me – even if it’s just a “Hey, Mark.” Maybe they think they need to be polite, when in actuality, all they are doing is annoying me. I wouldn’t mind if there was even a small regard to the times when I’m on the phone. But they don’t notice.

Not to mention I get to hear the machine run all day as it makes every copy for the company.

But sometimes… sometimes, it’s a blessing. Thanks to that machine I get to overhear, to my delight, just how stupid some people are. It’s even more fun when it’s someone that bothers me.

Like just now.

Woman #1 was making copies. Woman #2 walks up and asked #1 how she got the machine to print on blue paper. Woman #1 says, “Oh, I just put blue paper in the machine is all.”

About 10 minutes later, I hear random grumbling from outside my office. Woman #2 is back and clearly she is waging war with the copy/fax/printer/scanner/frappuccino machine.

Woman #1 walks by, to which Woman #2 says, “Hey, I can’t get it to print on blue paper the way you just did.”

This kicks off 10-minutes of activity, of what I’m sure the two women would call “troubleshooting”, but I would call “completely random-ass button mashing.”

This eventually leads to them asking me for help. The sign on my door says, Webmaster, but it’s commonly known that title also qualifies me as “anything-remotely-related-to-technology-expert.”

So I wander out to look at our copy/fax/printer/scanner/schnauzer-grooming machine to see why it won’t print on blue paper.

I have a hunch. So I decide to check my hunch first.

I lift up the top lid. Sure enough, Woman #2 put a piece of blue paper on the glass, closed the top, hit print, and expected the machine to copy the blue color of the paper with her report.

I left it to Woman #1 to explain the intricacies of the feed tray.

Is there anything more awkward than when someone walks up to you and says, “I’d like to talk to you about Jesus”?

The problem with this question is two-fold:

1. It implies the person being asked the question is a heathen. I recall something about “thou shall not judge” or something like that.

2. It implies that they could be the shining example of good living in their religion, yet it’s still not good enough because it’s not Christianity.

SpittingLlamas Exclusive!
A newly discovered photo from Vice President Dick Cheney’s hunting trip has just be released. You are seeing it here for the first time.

Cheney shot a Texan who is a Republican donor. For Democrats, that’s a two-fer!

Agent Provocateur, in an attempt to show the world they can out-sex Victoria’s Secret, has released a 9-minute promotional video.

It has everything a good lingerie promo should have: hot women, light nudity, and even some female masturbation tossed in for good measure. And lots of moaning.

I’m not sure exactly how this commercial promotes their products, exactly. But honestly, after watching it, I didn’t care.

Watch it here.