This is an absolutely hilarious column detailing why the Fantastic Four tie-in toys, specifically the Human Torch ATV, don’t live up to their namesake. (Note that there are also those, and by ‘those’ I mean just about everyone in the world who’s actually seen the movie, who say the film itself is equally horrific.)
Michael Jackson will apparently tell his story for $10 million. I’ll tell his story for seven bucks and a bag of pork rinds.
The latest celebrity to have a sex tape surface is rapper/television actor Eve.
The National Enquirer reports that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have gotten married, creating a scary new entity known from this moment forth only as Garnaffleck.
Is it me, or does everyone else think the newly designed Freedom Tower is going to have heroin addicts running like Olympic sprinters?
Today a co-worker was talking about her new kittens when she said, “the litter box stinks to high heaven!”
If something smells, but not real bad, does that mean it smells to low heaven? And what if something smells a bit worse, but not real, real bad; does that make it a middle heaven smell?
And whatever happened to stank? It used to be that when something smelled real bad, you would swap out the “I” for an “A” and said it “stank.”
We need a conversion chart on stank-to-heaven smells. Does something that “stanks” convert to “high heaven”?
My hunch is that “stank” is a more middle-heaven smell, whereas “that shit stank!!” qualifies as a “smells to high heaven!” type of smell.
A democrat and a republican are walking down the street when a hot woman walks by.
The democrat says, “Wow… how’d you like to screw her?
The republican answers, “What should we screw her out of first? Social Security?”
Demonstrating that he’s not only a purveyor of falsehoods and first-rate hypocrite but also a nincompoop, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has attacked the television show “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” for what he called a “manipulation of my name.”
During an episode in which a search for the murderer of a federal judge was proving fruitless, an officer with no leads suggested putting out an all points bulletin for “somebody in a Tom DeLay T-shirt.” As you know, DeLay has been at the forefront of an effort to rein in what he calls “activist judges.” (Though you might note he’s made no comments about this bit of idiocy.
While DeLay complained by penning something that made absolutely no sense, Dick Wolf, the show’s executive producer and creator, suggested the so-called Senator has an inability to distinguish between fiction and reality.
“Every week, approximately 100 million people see an episode of the branded ‘Law & Order’ series. Up until today, it was my impression that all of our viewers understood that these shows are works of fiction as is stated in each episode.
“But I do congratulate Congressman DeLay for switching the spotlight from his own problems to an episode of a TV show.”
Google has launched a new beta feature of Google Maps. After they purchased Keyhole Systems, they added the ability to search via satellite imagery. Very fun.
So I lost the better part of a productive afternoon checking out various places around the country like national monuments, different areas in big cities, and other places I have visited.
Then I noticed something odd. As I was meandering my way, via satellite images, around Washington D.C., I noticed the Capital Building is purposely blurred out. All the areas around it are in focus, but not the block the Capital Building is on.
The reasoning: Could a nut job now use satellite images from Google to plot… who knows what?
If that is the case, then why is the White House not blurred out, or the Pentagon, or… Area 51?
Has anyone else noticed that when George Bush says the word “power,” it sounds an awful lot like when some dillhole redneck says “power” when he’s saying “White Power?”
Since when did it become OK to talk on a cellphone during a school class?
I have a nice dress shirt, several in fact, and the last buttonhole is horizontal instead of vertical. Why?
Because it’s supposed to be de rigeur:
Rules:
# Grab the nearest book.
# Open the book to page 23.
# Find the fifth sentence.
# Post the text of the sentence in your journal/blog along with these instructions.
One of the finest skits ever done was recently aired on Chappelle’s Show. A scathing, yet surprisingly warm montage of events from Rick James’ life. It’s boldy memorialized at the site I link below.
If you aren’t watching Dave Chappelle’s show, then you are really missing out on some edgy, well-written, and fearlessly done comedy. Kudos to Comedy Central for continuing to push the envelope with shows such as Chappelle’s Show and Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. It’s quickly becoming one of the first channels I turn to when I watch TV.
This is a concept that men need to latch onto with dear life - the safety gift. The concept itself is very simple. Always have a spare gift jammed in your closet, especially during holiday season. You never know when you may need it.
Here is a great example, and I’m sure some of you guys out there have experienced this. You are spending some quality, romantic time with the lady when she says, “let’s not worry about buying each other gifts this year.”
And you make the BIG mistake - you fall for it. Under normal circumstances you would have been wise enough to see through this guise. But you’re a man and sometimes your brain stops working. You think this one time your lady may be actually telling the truth.
You’re so screwed.
Gift day comes, and after spending the required time with the family comes the inevitable, “I know we said we weren?t going to buy anything, but I got this little thing for you.”
Followed by the look that says, “Did you get me anything?”
Then, followed by the look that says, “You didn’t get anything, did you?”
Quickly followed by the look that says, “You rotten asshole! I knew I should have listened to my mother when she told me to drop you like a bad rash!!”
This is when you bust out the safety gift. “Oh, it’s in my closet.”
Followed by the look that says, “maybe you’re not so bad after all, despite your small penis.”
A journal is a nice safety gift. Simple, yet effective. Especially if accompanied by a card that says, “so you can write down all our great moments together.”
To score extra great point, and to make her forget about your penis-size or lack there of, pull out a handmade safety gift. Or, at least one that looks handmade. She’ll be putty in your hands, and the painful reminder that “let’s not buy each other gifts” never really means that will be not so painful.
Just another public service announcement from your friends at SpittingLlamas. Happy holidays. Just another public service announcement from your friends at SpittingLlamas. Happy holidays.